Inspiration: Feldman, Robert (2009) The Liar In Your Life New York, NY Hatchette Book Group
How do you trust and love again if you have been betrayed by someone you loved? How can you move on and love again, or stay with the same person as you salvage your relationship? I know this for sure, that the deeper you loved the person, the deeper the wound and the pain is. You feel so much hurt and you also feel so much anger… anger towards the person for lying and breaking your heart. And you might also feel anger towards yourself… that you somehow allowed yourself to be fooled.
I know a few women who have become bitter and cynical towards men, and love, for that matter. And that’s unfortunate…. Because having been betrayed and cheated upon is NOT a life sentence. The experience itself is not meant to dictate how you would live the rest of your life. You recover from it, and use it to better yourself by learning from it. We have to work very hard, to get ourselves unstuck…. From the sadness, anger, and bitterness…., so we can move forward with a wiser, healthier heart.
And how do you do this? First you need to understand, why people lie, why they deceive, and eventually take advantage of our trust.
When people lie, we label them as cheats. It’s obvious to think that it is to hide something horrible that they’ve done out of their own selfishness. Now, think even further, because there are more reasons people lie.
They also lie because they don’t want to hurt our feelings, it’s just easier that you don’t know. They also lie to “honor” your bond or relationship, and they lie to avoid conflict. The problem with this is that lies produce even more lies. Until eventually, everything blows up in both of your faces.
One more thing, people also lie to calm their OWN insecurities, a way to puff themselves up before the world in attempt to gain or regain their confidence. It is their way of somehow rebelling towards the world. In this instance, it’s not even about you, but unfortunately, they end up deeply hurting you.
Second thing, be more aware of your own role with that successful deception. Were there lies that you actually did not want to notice? Did you not want to notice the lie because you had a safe relationship, you didn’t want to start conflict, or that it’s conventional? Let me give you an example, if somebody tells me flattering words : I love you. I’m always thinking about you. I’m so lucky to have you. You’re the love of my life? Do you really think I think they’re lying? Not really. I never question if flattering words are lies or not. Because they make me feel good. That’s an example that sometimes, I just might want to be lied to, if it feels good.
You have to look at the situation using different lenses, from different angles, to get closer to the truth. What they’ve done to you is utterly wrong. I am not excusing the act at all or defending the person. And I can go on saying how horrible they are. But this talk is not about them. It’s about you, taking care of your heart. I know this is hard for you to do, but it leads you to healing, it leads you to personal growth, and it leads you to wisdom.
If you are still with the person, or have decided to be with the person then I think it is harder to heal. . Every day is a constant choosing. A choosing to trust, a choosing to love. Your love for the person is the only thing that can save you. Love heals.
At the same time, don’t ignore your heart and stuff everything in, just because you are angry and hurt. Because it will eventually come out…with that very individual, or with a different person and a different situation. One thing is for sure, it will come out, one way or another, and it could be damaging to you or to another.
One last thing, I’m willing to bet that your loved one betrayed you without even having you on their mind. They just didn’t wake up and had this intention to destroy you or your relationship. But being human is just too gosh darn hard sometimes, and people mess up.
Things are usually deeper than what you see. Realize that you, your loved one, and everyone else in the world are fighting a battle. A battle between forces much bigger than all of us. And in this battlefield called life, sometimes we get happy and loved. And sometimes we get hurt. That’s the price we pay for living in this world. That’s the price we pay for being human. My hope is for you to have compassion and reach forgiveness, so you can truly trust and love again.